Just call him Reid.

From the moment I met him I was head over heals in love. He was a bad boy but with such a huge warmth and strong family values. I didn't spend the first night with him but I did crash at his house. In his bed!!! He slept somewhere else in the house, but still the feeling was awesome to be so close (and yet so far) from him. Morning came and I got a call that I needed to get home. I was in so much trouble but it was so worth it. He offered to drive me home and I never wanted to leave his car. He drove too fast and I didn't realize it at the time but I am pretty sure he was trying to impress me. If only he knew how totally impressed I aleady was. haha Time went on and I would see him at parties but I just didnt have the confidence to actually go after him. Did he notice me? Did he like me? I know he did but neither of us made any moves unless alcohol was involved. But give us enough drinks and we were all over each other. It got to be the normal for us to arrive at parties separately but leave together. Around the time we were just starting to grow closer, his best friend came over to my house one night. He came with some very ominus advice. He asked me if I loved Reid. I of course admitted it. He then advised me that if I wanted Reid to ever talk to me again, not to EVER tell him how I felt. Stupid, young, niave me ... I believed this ass. From that point on I was very guarded when talking to anyone about Reid. I figured if I just played it cool and acted like all I wanted was casual sex, that he might stick around longer. This rediculous behavior lasted over a year Us wanting to be together and yet neither of us admitting it. 
He then went on a trip to Europe with the guys. Every day I would check my mail box but nothing. Other friends received post cards from some of the guys but I got nothing. I was so crushed.  I can't remember how long they were gone for but it was many months. I decided it was time to move on. I met a nice guy at work and we started dating. He was a really great guy but still my heart was with Reid. Again I was given some friendly advice to just move on with my new guy. So I did. He was fun and caring so he was easy to spend time with. One evening I was home alone with my new guy and the phone rings. It was Reid. He was at the airport having just arrived back from overseas. I was beyond thrilled but as I sat talking to him on the phone my boyfriend kept staring at me. Reid wanted me to come pick him up. We both knew what that implied and I wanted to see him, hold him, kiss him, make love to him, more than anything in the world. But OMG I heard myself say no. I just was so convinced that I would get one night with him then be alone forever.
That was my first MAJOR regret of my life. If I could go back in time I would have been at that airport in record time. But I was a nice kid and didn't want to hurt the feelings of the guy that had been doting on me for some time. Honestly it would have been kinder to just send him away because I was in such turmoil about Reid that I was definitely not nice to be around.

He owns my heart.

Do you think he ever thinks of me? He has been in my heart and in my thoughts each and every day for the last 36 years.  We were 18 and so very young. The world was so big and exciting . Where would the road take me? Who would I spend it with? Then I met him! After work one day my friends boyfriend (and his friend) picked us up from work.  HE was driving! The car was so hot. The coolest car I had been in. His Z28 Camaro might have really impressed me except for the fact that there was something so intriging about this man. I snuck a few looks at him in the rearview mirror as he was driving. Wow I was hooked instantly. He had just got home from his job on the rigs and was having a party at his house that night. Would I be there??? Couldn't imagine being anywhere else. I doubt he even noticed me yet ... but he would. I was totally inexperienced with guys, parties and sex but all that would change very quickly for me. I talked another girlfriend into coming with me. We were both terrified as we walked into his house. And there he was. Deep breath. He was even more incredible that I had realized. He was tall, very tall, and his smile made me weak in the knees.

Just today.

I have so many thoughts,feelings, memories, flooding the space in my heart lately. With no one to share this with I am feeling burdened and lonely. More lonely than normal. Why is it that I am really starting to think that I am destined to spend the rest of my life in an empty solitude. When I was young I often would cherish the fleeting moments of solitude but now it is just my prison.